God has taught me many valuable lessons throughout the course of my life. I could write a book filled with mistakes I’ve made and promises God has kept to me. However, I am convinced that these three key points make up my passionate, life giving message that God has enabled me to share.

As a little girl I’d like to think of myself as a “daddy’s girl”, much to my dismay that was not true. I loved my dad and my mom both but something had always been in the way of that pure, childlike relationship that I so desired. My dad was a good man with many vices. He was an alcoholic and his lifestyle was far from stable. He loved his three children though, that much I am certain of even if I didn’t exactly feel “pursued” by my earthly father. My dad never physically or mentally abused me or my siblings and that much I am grateful for, however he did unintentionally leave me with a great deal of emotional damage. I am not bitter and in fact I have forgiven my earthly father over and over again (forgiveness is a continual not just a onetime choice). The depth of my little girl heart was to be desired by my father. My heart longed to spend quality time with him, as that is my love language. He desired to be at the bars, working, or doing “manly” stuff with my older brothers. I would look forward to the weekends in which I could spend with my dad until I reached the age of ten. I was fed up with the lack of pursuit on his end. I desired to spend time with someone who would listen to me, pay attention to me, laugh with me, hug me, and things of the like. My mom fit more of that description (like any mother with a nurturing heart would). I decided to stop trying with my father I figured enough was enough. I still loved my dad it just felt one sided. The day came where my father had gotten into a car accident and passed away . . . my heart was full of regret, anger, confusion, and frustration. Why did he die before I really knew his heart for me; that he loved me? I went on with my life with an emptiness that nothing I tried to fill this giant gap with would suffice; until I met Jesus, for the first time. You could say that I was “saved” or whatever you want to call it when I was in sixth grade (11 years old). My mom and I were the first ones in our family to commit our lives to Christ. I was gung-ho as was my mom. Time passed by in fast forward until I was in high school and my heart became religious, cold, and my relationship with God was at a standstill. I still proclaimed to be a Christian but everything inside of me rebuked that lifestyle. I became rebellious in my own way until I decided I was sick of feeling empty. I had boyfriends to try and cover of the void, it didn’t help. My heart was given away, broken, and left un-pursued, countless times. After high school I knew I needed to change my life. I went to an internship that reshaped my mindsets, allowed me to freely give my heart to the Lord, and made me realize that he was pursuing me. For the first time in my entire life I felt worthy of someone’s time, energy, and effort. I felt like I had a purpose as God invaded my life in a real way. Let me clarify, it was nothing that this program did. It was removing myself from everything I had ever known, stripping me of my idols, and welcoming Jesus into my life. My heart was His home. After leaving the internship I was determined to share this God with everyone I knew. My sole purpose was not to become a “preachy, hypocritical, holier-than-thou, Jesus freak”; my heart was for more than that, it was for restoration.

Truth# 1: God restored my heart. He healed my wounded past and filled the gap with himself. He kindly wiped my tears away, gave me joy, and pursued me like I had always desired but never was granted from my earthly father. His promise to me is: “My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.” Song of Songs 2:14 the creator of the universe and everything that dwells in it wants to know my heart. That is a big deal to me. I wanted my daddy to know my heart, to know my thoughts, my desires, likes, dislikes; I wanted him to pursue me like my Heavenly father does. God knows your heart. He desires to be a part of every aspect of your life. Speak to him, confide in Him, give Him your heart, if you do He will fill every void. Practically speaking, sit in the quietness and let Him speak to you, journal, speak to Him, read your Bible, be in community.

Truth#2: “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take GREAT delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” God delights in me, and in YOU. He is always with me wherever I tend to stray. He is with me in the desert; he is with me on the mountain. He is ALWAYS there. Listen for Him. He also takes delight in me, to the extent in which he rejoices over me with singing. I am a filthy, human, fleshly, unworthy, failing, fallible person. Jesus is still delighted in me . . . always. [No matter your past or present God still takes great delight in you, understand this and your life will be forever changed].  

Truth#3: Trust God. He may take you places you thought you could never go but in those places are the times where He is most present in your life. Be patient and persistent in prayer (something I am learning). God cares for you and your tiny little details. He is in every part of your life if you would surrender it to Him. Lose control. It is the best place to be. If you are unable to lose control though, (much like me) God still works in your life. He still shows up every time. Luke 12:22-34 (Do not worry).

 

Through all of my past experiences I have learned these key points, they have not been a cakewalk to learn but they have been transforming my every being. My relationship with God is no longer compared to my earthly father daughter relationship; instead it is restored through a gracious Heavenly father.

 

                You know when your fancy, smart, cellular device has those dreadful words on the top left corner of your screen that says searching? Well, if you have a handy iPhone like me, you would experience this irritating occurrence when you are out of range of a reception tower. When this happens, it is completely unfortunate, especially because it’s in these times in which I need it the most. You see in this generation we depend on technology more than any other generation before. The everyday little things that used to be a struggle to people, now have become much more simplified . . . theoretically speaking.

                The searching on the iPhone is comparable to my journey as of lately. The weight of my heart is heavy, much too heavy for me to carry alone anymore. For the last year I have been searching, searching for truths, for answers, doctrine, relationship, and life itself. I have concluded that the Lord has been absent in this time of searching. I was determined that He was distancing himself from me, from my sin. It literally felt like a desert, I was wondering, possibly still am. I am not sure why but I was annoyed with God. I was annoyed with fake Christians, cliché, cookie-cutter, “churchy” mumbo jumbo. I couldn’t handle listening to repeated commonly used out of text scriptures rambled on and on by those who “care” about me. My heart was in rebellion, but was it justifiable? In my eyes: I was abandoned by the very same God that I thought abandoned me. This searching that I have been partaking in has led me to a place of emptiness and my heart is broken. I knew God’s real love; I have lived in it for years. I have lived the fullest life with the fullest heart and now this; despair. My prayer life has plummeted, my Bible reading has been stingy, and my beliefs about God had been tainted.

                As odd as it is, my love for my maker has never changed. It just means it’s real. The feelings, my heart, and my conversations with the Lord are real. I have never been more certain of anything before this season in my life. My interactions with people have been limited, I push people I love most away, my attitude has been toxic, and my emotions have been a rollercoaster. God help me. My behavior recently has been borderline careless. I will stand, though. Through it all, His love is enough. As cliché as it sounds, it’s true. His love is consistent with my searching heart. He wraps me in His arms like a faithful daddy when I am a weak coward. He comforts my mind when I am overwhelmed. He lifts my head each morning to endure the day. He gives me strength to endure the day with His love. An ounce of His love is enough for me to trudge through the lonely desert. It is me that needs to accept. Whether or not I accept His love . . . it’s there. He really is jealous for me but He loves me enough to let me choose. I choose love. His love. Moral of the story, God is with us even when we are not with Him. His faithfulness in our searching is reckless. He is radical with His love for me, for you. I want to believe all of the pop-culture Christianity when it comes to defining what I believe and why I believe it but more than anything I desire authenticity. For now I want to know God and remain free in His unconditional love for me. I long for the day when I am on the emotional high with the things of the Lord. . . until then; His love will sustain me in this time of searching.

Currently, I am perched on the couch gazing at the first sign of this new season: snow. I am belated that we are entering the Christmas season. My heart feels like it's renewed each and everytime a new season presents itself to me. I get giddy about fall and the leaves turning radiant colors. I smile when the first snowfall occurs because it's a sign of God's beauty. I am joyful when the spring rains fall and make all things new. Summer, I am content with the summer sun soaking into my skin. See, I have lived in places where there is only one season. There is no hope or anticipation for the weather to completely shift into another piece of God's masterpiece. He really does create all things beautiful. I think about the perplexities that come with each new weather pattern that God provides for us and they are promises. God promises faithfulness. He promises life abundant. Goprom mercies are renewed each morning and that means they are renewed with each new season.

The things I've gone through in my life and the places I've been have done nothing but screamed out God's faithfulness to me. He has created a new heart that dwells in this empty body which ultimately desires to bring glory to Him. I have asked God many of times why He provides these new seasons, well I am not claiming that I heard an autible voice or anything but I think he answered me with the response of: second chances. The God of the Bible is a gracious God. He is slow to anger. He delights in you. His love is full for you. This is why he provides seasons for us. King Solomon said it best: "There's a time for everything". Let me challenge you this, even if you are not a fan of the current season we are entering or a season that will inevitably happen down the road, be confident in knowing that God is in the change. His grace and mercies are with us in every season. He will never change who he is. I can tell you this is not some religious jargon that I use to sound holier than thou, it is my experience. It comes simply from my heart with the intent that it will make it into yours and you will forever hold onto the hope & truth about change. God knows you better than you know yourself and the changes may have the ability to surprise you or come suddenly but remember it's like the seasons, there's always a new one. There's always a new day. Have peace in the assurance of the seasons. Be thankful with the here and now but be hopeful with what's to come.